dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
