I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
