worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
