Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
