I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
