Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
