Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
