He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
