I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
