it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
