i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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