I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
