We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
