Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
