this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
