She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Is it because I queefed?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
