He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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