her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
