i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
