My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
