fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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