Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
