You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
