Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
