Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My feet surprised me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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