also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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