So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
