Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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