Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
