who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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