I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
