At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
