i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I am available for nakedness
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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