You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
