I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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