I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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