his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
