how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
