i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
