i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
