You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Someone came in the potted fern
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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