No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
