No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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