all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
