can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
