mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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