if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
