I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
