I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
