She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
